For anyone who doesn't know, I am a christian. I keep it purposely lowercase because the world I live in seems to have far more shades of grey that the one the right-wing conservative Christians live in.
About 2 months ago, I left my job as Assistant Dean of the Library at a small college about 30 miles from my home to become the Director of Operations for my local church. Through all of the doctor appointments and biopsies and thoughts of more surgery and chemo, I am reminded daily that changing jobs when I did has become an unexpected blessing. Long commutes and late-night and weekend hours would have made going through all of this much harder. Looking ahead, chemo would have been impossible with my old job. But now, I know I'll have the support and flexibility needed to both fulfill my obligations at work and do what is necessary to beat the cancer.
And yet, I still am not sure why this is happening. People I know at work, at my girls' school, and other friends of faith have all said they are praying for me. I find enormous comfort in those prayers. What I am unsure of is how I should pray. I know what, selfishly, I want to pray for, the cure; the cure for myself, for Kathryn, for everyone dealing with cancer of any kind. But, I know that cure is not what I should pray for.
I should pray for strength, for wisdom, for the ability to build up others through this, and I do, sometimes. But, what I also want is to not have to do any of this at all; surgery, chemo, exhaustion, losing my breasts and maybe my hair, starting menopause too early, I just don't want to do any of it. Then again, neither does anyone who has to deal with these things.
Thought I might have an answer at the end of the day. Guess I need to continue working on those prayers.
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You summed it up in four words, God is in control. It is always hard to accept his plans when they don't line up with ours, even more so when hardships come upon our lives like what has happened. For whatever reason this has happened, God only knows. I admire your strength through all of this and the fact that through your prayers you took it further than most people seem to look. You have all of our prayers, but more than that all of the people out there that dont know God that have or will contract some form of cancer have your selfless prayers of healing, comfort, and blessings upon their lives. Your heart is in the right place you are awesome, you make me proud to be a part of this family. I love you, I miss you, David
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