Surgery Tomorrow

I'm pretty proud of the fact that I've made it this far with no Valium or other anti-anxiety drugs. Well, except for the evening Margarita, but does that count?

My plan to focus on work and kids' activities and house chores has also gone pretty well. And today my mom even got me to sit still long enough for a manicure and pedicure. I'm hoping that bright red, pretty toes will make up for at least a little bit of the crapiness I'll be feeling tomorrow and in the coming days.

So, I was doing OK until tonight when the anesthesiologist called. If you haven't had surgery before, the anesthesiologist gets his schedule at the end of the day and then calls the next day's patients to check on allergies, potential problems with any of the drugs they generally use, etc. His call suddenly stripped away all of the tasks and things I've been using to avoid dealing with losing my breasts tomorrow and made it all too real. I called my husband and told him to come home because I'd just lost it.

I pulled myself together in a little while and thought long and hard about how I want to deal with all of it, the cancer, the loss of my breasts, the fear of what comes next, and then I remembered my prayer; God, Please give me the strength to do what I have to in order to live a full and active life with my family, and the grace to do all of it in a way that honors the life I've built with my husband and my relationships with my family, my friends, and my God.

I'm afraid, though, that the hard part is still to come.