My surgeon is a wonderful, caring woman. She has been very forthright with me about my cancer and the treatment options. When I decided to fore go the bi-yearly mammograms and certain biopsies of my left breast to do the double-mastectomy, she called me to her office to be sure I was certain about my decision and to talk about what it would look like.
Yesterday, after she pulled the last drain (ouch!), she spoke to me again about the realities of the double. She said, "It's not pretty, and with you, because you are so tall and lean, it is very very stark". She also told me that she always worries when she does a double, because she knows the reality is so harsh. She said she tries to make it as clean as she can, but it is not pretty, it can't be pretty. But, if I decide on reconstruction later, they'll be able to do a clean job and make it pretty again. That will take 3 surgeries.
Today was my first shower without having drains around my neck to block my view of the scars. When I got dressed today, it took several outfits and far longer than usual to finally decide on something I could live with. This afternoon, I caught a glimpse of my profile. It was very very flat. So, being the adult, well-adjusted woman that I am, I went to bed for a few hours to watch "Sex and the City". My husband, the only one besides my surgeon and I who will really see, gave me some time and then came in to tell me that I am still beautiful and to ask me if I'm afraid people will notice, or if it is just too different.
I guess, for now, it is too stark.
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2 comments:
You have such an amazing husband and supportive family. I have never been through what you are going through but whenever I feel like I just can't handle something I always find that time and prayer helps me to heal. Still in my prayers.
Daughter of mine. The last thing I would ever want to happen to you has happened. You are the most beautiful women you can be. You are beautiful on the outside but more importantly you are beautiful on the inside and it shines through for all to see. When you visualize look within to see your true strengh and value. I have always told you that you have been the perfect daughter and that means you are worthy of all the love your family and friends give to you because you give it back by the thousands. We have both shed many tears over this but we do not do it together to protect each other. I am so greatful the you have Bill at your side. He is a very good man. Thank you for having me help you as much as I could. Mother's have to let go of their children to allow them to live their own lives and that is very hard at times. I will always be here for you when you need me. I love you with all my Heart..Mom
Toni
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