I suddenly realized today that I don't have any doctor appointments this week or next week, and possibly not even the next. In fact, my next real cancer-doctor appointment isn't until January.
My next step will be to get fitted for prostheses and bras. For the moment I am pretty ambivalent about this. I have had to quickly get used to the concaveness of my figure, and with the weather getting cooler, sweaters help bulk me up a bit. To me, wearing a prosthesis is simply a way to appear "normal" under clothes. Perhaps for many women, this is important, and I'm sure that in years past, having one's figure altered this dramatically would have been awkward at work and in social circles. However, from what I've observed the past month or so, people really don't notice. Everyone is so busy and so tied up in their own lives and worries, I don't think anyone even notices.
That is not to say I don't notice. Because I do. Breasts are everywhere in our culture. And every time I see a Victoria's Secret or worse, a Playtex ad, I hunch a little more.
In truth, I am very hesitant about getting the prosthetics because I really don't want to go there by myself. This is not something the husband should see, my best friend is hundreds of miles away, and this is not something a casual friend would relish as a "fun" outing. i just keep imagining the conversation, "Hey, how about lunch and a couple of hours at the cancer store?"
I know many people would just say, "Get implants and get it over with." But it is not that simple. The process for implants is 3 surgeries over several months, including the creation and tattooing of a nipple and aureole. And, despite what people think implants look like, reconstruction when there is no breast tissue at all is not the same. If you doubt this, please read Dr. Susan Love's "The Breast Book." She is very clear about what reconstruction can and cannot do. And what it cannot do is look like a natural breast. I will never look the same as I did back in July.
And right now, the thought of prosthetics and implants only makes that reality more stark than being concave.
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In August, 2007 I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Then, in September, 2008, I was diagnosed with Sarcoidosis. In an effort to keep my friends and family updated as I go through the process of discovery and treatment, I am using this blog to track what is happening both academically and personally. My hope is that this will keep those I love informed and updated and, perhaps, help others who may be facing a similar diagnosis.
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