A new schtick

Yesterday we celebrated my youngest daughter's "gotcha day" with a little party and some of the families who traveled to China with us those 5 years ago. Can it be that long?!

Each year we try to get together to just catch up and to marvel at how beautiful and amazing each of our daughters has gotten. This year we met at "Pump it Up", and indoor bounce house place, and then went to dinner at a local Chinese restaurant.

Over the years, things have changed with each of the families; job changes, moves, divorce, new chidren, all the things that families go through over the span of a child's life. This year I attended with just my two girls. My husband is on a business trip and couldn't make it.

I didn't think too much about it being a social occasion until I got there and suddenly felt very vulnerable. I'd purposely skipped a friend's birthday party the previous night because I knew I was not up to being in a social setting yet. When I talked with her about my hesitation, she'd been very understanding and I knew I made the right decision. However, In my focus on my daughter's special day, I forgot that this was also a social event. And, without my husband there, I was expected to be "on" and chatty.

The simple, "How has your year been?" is a loaded question for me and I am so tired lately that I can't seem to readily manage to come up with a pat, "Great! the girls have been.... and how has yours been?" with any conviction. And really, while I know I don't need to go into details, even a bit of the truth is tough to just throw out there without it landing like a grenade. Cancer? BAM! End of conversation.

One of the families knew what has been going on because I had to explain my hesitation this year to commit to going to the party at all. She was very sweet and said that I look great, that she couldn't tell that I'm sick. Snaps to me for good makeup and hair at least! Beyond that exchange, though, I found myself extremely edgy about how I look and what to say to people who I don't see that often.

In my last post I said that I don't think people really notice the change to my body because they are busy with ther own lives. I still believe that is true, but the problem is that, even though I can think that and then not worry about it when I'm going to work or church or with friends or family, I feel the difference when I'm in a social setting. I know I look different, and I know I feel different, and I don't yet have a set response, a good schtick, for the "How are things going?" question that always comes up in those settings.

I thought last night about how my parents had to handle these kinds of things when my dad broke his neck, though in their case, the wheelchar was the first clue into how their year had been. And then when my dad died, I remember the tension we felt all the years my siblings and I had to come up with responses about why no one ever met our dad.

I also thought about my mother-in-law, who dealt with breast cancer 35+ years ago, and especially about my sister-in-law, who has spent this past year coming to terms with the death of her partner last year. Almost everyone faces challenges in their lives that don't help when trying to come up with a tidy, socially acceptable reply to the question "How have you been?" at a party.

So instead of the standard, "I'm fine, how have you been?" schtick that everyone expects, perhaps a response that is a bit closer to the truth would be better. Something like, "This year has been pretty darn awful, but I am here and I'm not broken. Buy me a cocktail?" would be more honest, without feeling like a grenade has landed.