What not to say

The American Cancer Society, along with a number of other cancer-related web sites, have pages dedicated to helping friends and family know what to say to their loved one who has been diagnosed. Among the most helpful advice is to offer specific help, and to not put more pressure on the individual. I am very fortunate that most of the people I know either read these sites or knew instinctively what to do and say. Friends I hadn't seen in a long time brought a meal or sent a card with well wishes. Those closest to me were and are nothing less than completely supportive and loving.

However, despite all of that kindness, the words of one individual, who thought they were being funny or something, keep coming back to me. This person called me a few days before my surgery with some questions they felt were appropriate. These included:

- Do you intend to make it through the sugery?
- Have you made arrangements in case you don't make it?
- Has your husband said goodbye to your breasts?
- Have you taken pictures of your breasts so you'll remember what they looked like?

Two months after my surgery I am struggling with chronic nausea and exhaustion from the Tamoxifen, anger and frustration about my mutiliated body, and difficulty figuring out what I am supposed to do with one person's utter lack of sensitivity.

Up until now, I kept this to myself because I didn't think it was worthy of repetition, but it hurt and I didn't know what to do. I've taken steps to protect myself and my children from this person, as they clearly do not understand boundaries or what is appropriate, but it still bothered me. Then yesterday, as I cleaned out my closet to get rid of all the clothes I can no longer wear, I realized that I still have power. I can take action to remove the things that no longer work for me, like my old clothes, and just maybe, I can get rid of a hurt by writing down.

Because really, as I read the words on the screen now, they are not a reflection on me, they are just the words of an ignorant person who really should have visited the American Cancer Society web site.