Depression and Cancer

After my mastectomy, my surgeon was very forthright with me about the incidence of depression among her mastectomy patients. She said I would likely become depressed and she stressed that I should get help if I needed.

So far, I have been very fortunate in that I don't think I've experienced the level of depression she talked about. Anger, yes and generally being ticked off about the whole cancer-thing, yes. But depression, at least that I recognize as such, no.

However, I'm learning more and more about the emotional toll that cancer takes on the individual. I've become a regular reader of Kris Carr's blog, http://crazysexycancer.blogspot.com/. Yesterday, she had a guest blogger, Terri Cole, who is a therapist and cancer survivor.

Terri gave a very clear, thoughtful discussion about cancer and what it does to our spirits and talked very openly about what we can do, every day, to keep depression at bay. One of the items she talked about was the inner messages we give ourselves every day that can either build us up or tear us down. Women in particular send ourselves negative messages about our bodies, our personalities, and our spirits. Things like "I'm so fat", "No one could possibly like me", "I have nothing of value to offer" do such damage to our own psyches and impact the ways in which we interact with our families, friends and colleagues. Keeping those messages positive, "I am strong", "I have a giving spirit", "I am a loving friend", can impact our outlook in a real way each day. Even if we don't feel these things all the time, even if we don't totally believe them all the time, they can help us to see ourselves more clearly, and perhaps more the way our friends and family see us.

Yesterday, I had a long talk with a very old friend. We've been friends since the 6th grade, so she knows me better than most. We talked about how I am doing living post-surgery and within the land of cancer drugs. She sounded so surprised when I told her I have not yet gotten prosthetics that I wasn't sure what to make of her reaction. I tried to explain why I haven't yet been fitted, but even I didn't like my reply. Being the wonderful friend that she is, she told me that if I never get prosthetics, I am very brave, if I choose to wear them, I am equally brave, and if I have the surgery, I am also brave. It is a good friend who accepts and supports all of your decisions!

I still had to think about why I haven't made that call. For awhile my ribs were too sore. They are no longer sore, so that really isn't a good excuse anymore. Does it have to do with depression issues? Am I depressed to the point of not being able to move forward? Am I afraid of what getting prosthetics means?

And what does it mean? Am I giving in to society's expectation that all women have breasts, or am I acknowledging that I am damaged, not whole without breasts? or is it really what I told her, that I just don't want them and I don't think anyone even notices.

I want to believe that I am ok with how I look now. In reality, I'm probably not, but I want to be. And I really want to be ok with what happened to me before I make the next step. Maybe it has nothing to do with depression, but it does feel easier to think about these things if I give myself a positive message that a friend shared with me, "I am brave", even when I don't totally believe it.