Are You Angry?

When my newest round of ridiculousness began, I told my husband I wasn't going to say anything to anyone. It was likely nothing and I didn't want to worry anyone needlessly. After all, every other breast cancer patient I've met has had one or more scary moments since their treatment ended. Most, thankfully, have turned out to be minor or nothing. One survivor told me, "breast cancer is insidious. The chance of it popping up somewhere never goes away completely." Now there's a lovely thought.

As my x-ray turned out to not have a shadow, and the x-ray led to a CT scan that then turned out to show enlarged lymph nodes that no one expected to find, I began getting discouraged. I still didn't want to tell anyone until I met with the surgeon. But God had other plans. This is the only way I can explain the fact that, after a crazy long afternoon the Saturday after my oncologist's second call, I came home to hear my husband tell me that Kathryn, my friend who also had breast cancer last year, was in my living room. This wasn't a planned visit, in fact, we really hadn't talked in a couple of months. But here she was, asking me how things were going post-Tamoxifen. OK, so I'm not supposed to keep this stuff to myself. I get it.

After meeting with the surgeon and confirming the schedule for my surgery this week, there were a few people I had to tell, including my daughters' teachers. My youngest daughter's teacher was especially kind. She asked me the question that, I think, a lot of people would want to ask but don't. In a quiet voice she asked "Are you angry?"

I had to think about it. Last year I managed to stay incredulous about the whole thing through most of the pre and post operation issues. But this time, I can't muster incredulous. But, am I angry? I know I'm ticked off that this is happening again; I know I'm frustrated that years of eating healthy, exercising and not smoking or taking drugs doesn't seem to have done me any good; I'm scared that I'll have cancer again; and, I'm really really tired. But, I don't know if I'm angry. To me, anger is a powerful and dangerous emotion. It clouds judgement and blocks our ability to be rational and to listen to ourselves and others. The are many emotions that jut up against anger, and these I'm familiar with - frustration, ticked off, confused, and desperation are a few. But angry is another level that I don't think I've hit.

Not that I won't, I've learned not to count anything out anymore.