Your oncologist called

Let me be clear. These are the WORST words a cancer patient can hear. Don't get me wrong, I like my oncologist. He's an irreverent, slightly curmudgeonly guy who tells the truth without any fluff. He's also way into Harley bikes and likes to spend his time off out on the road. He's an interesting guy. He may be the most interesting person I never want to hear from.

At my checkup in August I mentioned I'd been having some nagging pain in a couple of ribs. This was only because he told me to tell him about any pain that lasted more than a couple of days, the classic post-cancer hypochondria. After a couple of questions to be sure I hadn't just cracked a rib rock climbing, he said he wanted me to take a chest x-ray just to be sure everything was fine. As long as it turned up clean, as he expected, he didn't need to see me for another 6 months. Hooray!

Except....a few days later, he called to say that the radiologist noticed a small nodule on my lung. He couldn't really see it, but because the radiologist did, he had to order another test to rule out any problem, so he sent me for a CT scan. Not to worry, it was probably nothing. I looked it up, shadows on the x-ray often looked like nodules, so I was sure it was just that, a shadow.

If you've never had the pleasure of a CT scan, these are commonly called the CAT scan. First, they make you drink Barium, a disgusting chalky drink. Then, they inject you with Iodine and send you through a tube that radiates you to see what's wrong. A delightful hour!

Then, he called again. Apparently there are three very small nodules on my lung. But these are too small to do anything about right now, and really aren't the problem. While looking at the CT films, the radiologist noticed several enlarged lymph nodes under my Sternum and ribs. That is the problem. Before he called me, my oncologist had already reviewed the CT with the radiologist and spoken to his friend, a cardio-thoracic surgeon, whom he wanted me to call asap.

Really, the rest of the conversation was buzzing in my ear by then. I can't believe I'm back here again! My cancer was supposed to be textbook, caught early and I'd be a survivor. I was even looking at reconstruction, how can I be back here again. This place truly sucks; trying to remember to breathe, not sleeping, running scenarios and options in my head....I hate this place.

Unfortunately, the buzzing was actual words. Today I met my new cardio-thoracic surgeon. He's a nice enough guy...surgeony. I think I was clear enough in the appointment that this is ridiculous that I'm back dealing with cancery kinds of stuff and he needs to be sure this doesn't last too long. I have NO time for this!

Except, now I'm having surgery, a Mediastinoscopy, next week, where the surgeon will biopsy as many of the enlarged lymph nodes that he can. He said he'll freeze a few right away and have the lab check them. If they can diagnose the problem right away, he'll stop and then we'll go on to the next phase of this lovely process. Otherwise he'll get as many as he can and send them all off to the lab for full analysis and I'll learn what is going on a few days later.

Options? Clearly, shadow on the x-ray didn't work. My new options? Sarcoidosis (my immune system is attacking my soft tissues), early stage lung cancer, or early stage lymphoma. None are ones I'd choose, but who said I get a choice?

Between now and the surgery, I've got a life to live. Husband, kids, job, house, family, friends. Those are my priorities. Cancer, or whatever it is that is invading my life, has to take a back seat as long as I can keep it there. I'm trying (again) to be realistic. My body is again being invaded by something that shouldn't be there. Do I hate this? Yes. Do I want it to stop and be gone? Yes. Am I going to do everything I can to stop it? Yes. Am I going to beat it? Absolutely. Am I going to let it take over my life? Absolutely Not.