It Is What It Is

Last week my girls' school was out for a couple of days while the teachers attended a conference. This meant a 4-day weekend over Halloween. The girls had a good weekend. My mom came to watch them while I worked and went to doctor appointments, and despite the rain, they had a lot of fun going to the movies, hanging out with Nana, trick or treating, and not going to school. But by Sunday night, they were ready to go to school, if only to see their friends who'd all gone out of town for the break.

Monday morning, the moms were all talking about the coincidence of so many of the school families being in San Diego for the break. Apparently, half the fourth grade was at Legoland on Friday!

And that's when it hit me. Taking off for a long weekend and leaving all the stresses of work and home is not a possibility for us. It's not just work or even the doctor appointments, it's leaving everything behind. Work can be left behind (even by dad!), but rare, ridiculous diseases that have messed up Mom's breathing and energy level? they come with us wherever we go right now, and things will only get worse as the treatment progresses. I was jealous.

The dh and I had tried getting away earlier in September for our anniversary. We'd booked a spa weekend months in advance. Unfortunately, shortly before we left, I got one of the oncologist calls; the one telling me I had to have surgery. We spent the weekend trying very very hard to talk about anything else. So much for relaxing spa weekend.

Today I ran into a couple of the moms who did do the San Diego trip over the long weekend. We talked for awhile about the trips, and they asked me about the progress with the doctors, during the conversation I told them about my strange reaction to their fun. I didn't tell them to make them feel bad, but I guess I'm just trying to be more honest with myself about where my life and my family's life is right now. I'm afraid I am very inelegant and awkward in dealing with these things still. I hope to get better at it. I think.

Right now, and for the foreseeable future, getting away from everything is not an option. That's just not the season we're in right now. Someday we'll get back to a time when we can leave everything behind and just have fun. But not now.

It is what it is.