The past several weeks have been a roller coaster as side effects and withdrawal symptoms have been competing for my attention. The exiting Prednisone has left behind annoying rashes and excruciating headaches that last for weeks on end. The incoming TNF drug has started muscle cramping and pain in my back. And the mix of both plus the sarcoid moving around leaves me wincing from little jabs in my chest and exhausted all day long.
But that is all beside the point, it is just the fallout of the chronic disease. No, the real issue of the past few weeks has been my birthday! I have never been a fan of my birthday. I don't like being fussed over, and I'm not big on parties for my birthday, it all just makes me uncomfortable. And the past three years have done nothing to help. Three years ago I had a biopsy on my birthday that turned out to be breast cancer (Lesson: NEVER have a biopsy on your birthday, no matter how routine it is supposed to be). Two years ago, shortly after my birthday, I told my oncologist I had a naggy rib; turned out to be Sarcoidosis. Last year I let then start me on oral chemo drugs just before my birthday and spent the week after my birthday panicked about the hair falling out in the shower.
So one might see how my birthday makes me a bit cautious. Therefore, when my sweet husband asked me what I wanted, I told him I'd like him to make me 31. Why 31? Well, 29 is just cliche, and besides, no one knows anything at 29. No, 31 is a perfect year. For me, it was before we had kids, but we both had good jobs, we'd already bought our first house and we still had enough money to travel. It was the year we were on the cusp of being real grown-ups, we just hadn't yet gotten all of the baggage that goes with that. More importantly, I still had good skin, my hair didn't require coloring, and cancer was something that happened to old people.
I'm not ready to fit into my current age. I feel like I've lost the past three years, so until I figure out a way to get that time back, I'm going to pick random ages every year and try them out. However, I'll be selective in those choices. As I said, 29 is cliche, and I'd never pick anything between 12 and 17, no one with any sense wants to relive their teen years! Perhaps when I'm 60 I'll be ready to be 44, or not.
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